We Lost a Baby.

We lost a baby last October.

I had a positive pregnancy test on a Monday and on that Friday, I was miscarrying.

I told a few family members and friends of my m/c because I didn't want them to be hurt if I had to leave the room or if I came back into the room with swollen red eyes. I didn't want them to think I was rude if I abruptly changed the subject or became angry or started to sob in the middle of an everyday, normal conversation.

I cried myself to sleep for days. My husband prayed for me every night, while I wept beside him, that I might have comfort, that I might be healed, that I would just have some measure of peace so that I could get some sleep.

Every week I look at the calendar and realize that I would have been ___ weeks pregnant. I can't help it. I would have had my anatomy scan this week. I would have found out if we were adding another amazing baby boy to our family or if I was finally going to get the little girl I've always dreamed of.

Our baby was due June 19, 2014. Due to a repeat c-section and my Dr.'s surgery schedule, our baby would have been born June 13, 2014.  I am now dreading the month of June.

Why is my loss diminished or minimized by some people just because I already have two wonderful, healthy children? Why do certain people seem to think I have no right to mourn this baby? Why?

I am coming out. I am speaking out about miscarriage. I am breaking the taboo. And I hope that those of you who read this and have experienced this heartbreaking, mind numbing loss, feel like it's okay to share your story if you want to. Please don't let your fear of what others will think or wonder about you stop you from sharing your experience with other women who might be going through this.

The Upside
My husband has been very supportive and comforting to me. Even now, when I have a bad day, and I'm feeling bitter about the 13 (yes, thirteen!) pregnancy announcements I've seen in the last three weeks, he talks me through it and helps me see the bigger picture. He always keeps me grounded and I'm so grateful for him. While I am genuinely happy and excited for those of my friends and family who are expecting, I'm also heartbroken and still grieving and still getting through this.

On the Sunday night during my miscarriage, after I had tucked the boys into bed, I was sobbing, thinking about our baby, our baby who didn't even have a name yet. We didn't get to hear our baby's heart beat, and didn't get the chance to see our little "peanut" on the early ultrasound because we were still so early in the pregnancy when I began to miscarry. Some may think that our loss isn't that big, that because it was so early, we don't need to make such a big deal about it. They may say that it's silly to give a name to something that wasn't, by the world's standards, even considered a baby at that point. But, we know life begins at conception, and that was our baby and our baby needed a name. During our earlier discussions before the loss, when we were talking about baby names, the name I really liked for a girl was Peyton. My husband and I had a little disagreement about whether it was a boys' name or a girls' name and since we didn't know the gender of our little angel, the name we gave our child is Peyton. I pray for our child every night and think of him or her every day.

This experience has taught me a lot about myself and about how I have the ability to make it through really trying times. I take a moment each day to thank God for all of the things I take for granted. I thank him for my two wonderful children and for allowing me to have this experience so that I appreciate them more. Because I do. I really took for granted the fact that I have two beautiful sons, that they are my future and that they are what true joy means. Do I still miss the baby that I lost? Yes, so much it hurts. Do I miss what could have been? Absolutely. But because of this experience I can now look around and appreciate what is beautiful and joyful right in front of me.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Thank you for the love and comfort I know you are sending our way right now, we appreciate it. 

"Come what may, and love it." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin