It's a GIRL!

It is time to share the news on the blog ... Baby Crockett #3, our Rainbow Baby, is on her way. Her scheduled date of arrival is October 3rd and we are SO excited! We plan on naming her Piper Grace.

We waited quite a while to tell the world about this pregnancy. I was 18 weeks along when we announced to the world. A lot of people might not understand waiting that long, but it was what I wanted and needed. When we experienced our loss last October, it was hard to even wrap my head around trying for a baby again. One day I was thinking that I never wanted to be pregnant again and the next day I wanted to start trying as soon as the Dr. said it was okay. When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately knew I wanted to wait until I saw baby on the ultrasound sometime after 14 weeks (at 14 weeks, while not completely risk free, the odds of a miscarriage go down to less than 1%) to tell anyone. Our anatomy scan was scheduled for 17 weeks so we chose Mother's Day to reveal to the world our good news.

I wish I could say this pregnancy has been completely stress free but it hasn't. With my boys' pregnancies, I was a little worried about experiencing a loss, but it was never in the forefront of my mind for long periods of time. This time, the first 17 weeks leading up to seeing that healthy baby on the anatomy scan were excruciating. I was constantly paranoid about every twinge, cramp or muscle ache in my abdomen or lower back. I would hold my breath after going to the bathroom and say a quick prayer that everything would be okay. I was definitely not my normal self for those weeks. I took it one day at a time and talked through things with Davy and a close friend. I am so thankful for both of them and that I have (mostly) overcome those feelings.

Now for the fun stuff:
Baby is the size of a Bunch of Grapes!

How Far Along: 23 weeks

Total Weight Gain: 2 pounds

Sleep: I sleep through the night! Yay!

Stretch Marks: No new ones yet.

Best Moment This Week: Taking my boys to the circus. They loved it!

Movement: She is a wiggler in the evenings and mornings and I think she sleeps all day because I hardly ever feel her during the day. 

Food Cravings: This week I am craving Chinese food and chocolate. From weeks 12-18 I was obsessed with gummy worms, yum!

Gender: She is a GIRL!

Labor Signs: None.

Belly Button: Still an innie but it's working on bumping out!

What I Miss: I miss sleeping on my stomach :(

What I'm looking forward to: I am so looking forward to seeing Jackson and Remington being big brothers.

Jackson is so, so excited to have a baby sister. He bundles Remington's blanket up and pretends it's his baby sister. He walks around cradling her very gently and letting us all know that he has his baby sister and that he is taking good care of her. He even has Remington copying him. It's so cute to hear Remi say "A baby sisser!" as he cuddles his bundled up blanket. Jackson doesn't like our name choice for his baby sister. Every time I tell him he can call her Piper if he wants instead of just baby sister, he says he doesn't like that name and wants to name her "Salty" instead. Ummm, probably not, buddy! He is growing up so fast. He is getting taller and more mature every day. He can write and spell his name and says things that make me laugh all of the time. He is a fantastic helper with his little brother and is almost always selfless and so giving. I am lucky to have him as my son.

Remington will be 2 years old next month! Ahhh! Where has the time gone? His vocabulary and speech has exploded lately. He talks in full sentences now and it's so nice being able to communicate with him. He is also SO hilarious. He is beginning to say things that have Davy and I cracking up with laughter. I apparently say "Jackson Alvin David" a lot because Remington has started to copy me. If Jackson is annoying him or doing something wrong, he will growl/yell "JACKSON DAVID" It is the funniest thing to hear and Jackson and I laugh every time he says it. He is a little snuggle bug and loves to sit in my lap all day. He does like to get up and play quite a lot but he is also content just letting me hold him and snuggle him which I can't get enough of.

I think that is all of the updates for our family now, thanks for reading!

For anyone who doesn't understand the term "Rainbow Baby":

The Joys of Spring

It's March and Spring is tentatively here. I am really hoping for no more snow! My kids would have to agree. They love going outside to play and they especially love going to the park. We have been to the park twice in the last few weeks and they are loving all of the fun things to do outside. Last night, we went with some new and old friends to a park and played kickball. The boys and their little friends were more interested in the fun sand in the bases than the game itself. We all had fun and enjoyed the sun for the first time in months.

Remington has been growing up so much! He has been learning animal sounds this week and continues to amaze his big brother with all of the things he is learning. Jackson says all the time,
"Mom, Nemington is getting so smart! He's just growing up so fast!" He is climbing all over things and getting into cupboards, DVDs and all sorts of stuff he's not supposed to be getting into. He speaks to us in little sentences and is in the "copy-cat stage" where we have to watch what we say.  He is a happy little guy, even when he is teething and I am so grateful for him in our lives.

Jackson is also growing up so much. Four year olds are the best. Seriously. He rarely throws fits anymore and he really works at listening to us when we ask or tell him to do something. He is so inquisitive and intuitive. He says the funniest things and always has us laughing at his four year old wisdom and insight. He will be finished with this first year of preschool in May and then he will be playing T-ball this summer. I am excited to get outside with him this summer and teach him more about the world around us.

We have plans to go camping with friends this summer quite a lot and Davy is thrilled. I like camping, but it's not my favorite thing to do. I like running water, electricity, and flushing toilets too much to really love camping. However, I am really excited to take Jackson and Remington; they will love the fishing, getting dirty, and playing in the creeks and lakes.

Spring time always brings me out of whatever dark mood I might be in. The sun finally coming out from behind the clouds somehow makes me feel lighter and free. Davy and I are doing pretty well. We have had some prayers answered and received so many blessings this last year. We are so grateful for every day we have to spend together and with our little guys.

Happy Spring!

We Lost a Baby.

We lost a baby last October.

I had a positive pregnancy test on a Monday and on that Friday, I was miscarrying.

I told a few family members and friends of my m/c because I didn't want them to be hurt if I had to leave the room or if I came back into the room with swollen red eyes. I didn't want them to think I was rude if I abruptly changed the subject or became angry or started to sob in the middle of an everyday, normal conversation.

I cried myself to sleep for days. My husband prayed for me every night, while I wept beside him, that I might have comfort, that I might be healed, that I would just have some measure of peace so that I could get some sleep.

Every week I look at the calendar and realize that I would have been ___ weeks pregnant. I can't help it. I would have had my anatomy scan this week. I would have found out if we were adding another amazing baby boy to our family or if I was finally going to get the little girl I've always dreamed of.

Our baby was due June 19, 2014. Due to a repeat c-section and my Dr.'s surgery schedule, our baby would have been born June 13, 2014.  I am now dreading the month of June.

Why is my loss diminished or minimized by some people just because I already have two wonderful, healthy children? Why do certain people seem to think I have no right to mourn this baby? Why?

I am coming out. I am speaking out about miscarriage. I am breaking the taboo. And I hope that those of you who read this and have experienced this heartbreaking, mind numbing loss, feel like it's okay to share your story if you want to. Please don't let your fear of what others will think or wonder about you stop you from sharing your experience with other women who might be going through this.

The Upside
My husband has been very supportive and comforting to me. Even now, when I have a bad day, and I'm feeling bitter about the 13 (yes, thirteen!) pregnancy announcements I've seen in the last three weeks, he talks me through it and helps me see the bigger picture. He always keeps me grounded and I'm so grateful for him. While I am genuinely happy and excited for those of my friends and family who are expecting, I'm also heartbroken and still grieving and still getting through this.

On the Sunday night during my miscarriage, after I had tucked the boys into bed, I was sobbing, thinking about our baby, our baby who didn't even have a name yet. We didn't get to hear our baby's heart beat, and didn't get the chance to see our little "peanut" on the early ultrasound because we were still so early in the pregnancy when I began to miscarry. Some may think that our loss isn't that big, that because it was so early, we don't need to make such a big deal about it. They may say that it's silly to give a name to something that wasn't, by the world's standards, even considered a baby at that point. But, we know life begins at conception, and that was our baby and our baby needed a name. During our earlier discussions before the loss, when we were talking about baby names, the name I really liked for a girl was Peyton. My husband and I had a little disagreement about whether it was a boys' name or a girls' name and since we didn't know the gender of our little angel, the name we gave our child is Peyton. I pray for our child every night and think of him or her every day.

This experience has taught me a lot about myself and about how I have the ability to make it through really trying times. I take a moment each day to thank God for all of the things I take for granted. I thank him for my two wonderful children and for allowing me to have this experience so that I appreciate them more. Because I do. I really took for granted the fact that I have two beautiful sons, that they are my future and that they are what true joy means. Do I still miss the baby that I lost? Yes, so much it hurts. Do I miss what could have been? Absolutely. But because of this experience I can now look around and appreciate what is beautiful and joyful right in front of me.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Thank you for the love and comfort I know you are sending our way right now, we appreciate it. 

"Come what may, and love it." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin